Today, I feel drawn here for some reason. I think when I feel like purging a bit, I sit here.
I have learned that this is the only time I care to blog. I have realized that this blog is less about sharing with those who will read and more about a form of therapy for myself.
It is a therapy that really doesn't resolve anything but it is a form of therapy and one that is cheaper than many other forms out there.
There are two things that make me crazy.
There are two situations that rise up a form of anger in me that can't really be articulated in an appropriate manner.
I don't communicate well, when confronted with them but, I rage over them with great perfection. I throw daggers, blow smoke and create intense drama whenever the scenerios cross my path.
My emotions are such that I feel like I am in a flood, treading fiercely to survive my own natural disaster.
As I stared at the ceiling last night listening to music I longed for that still small voice. I prayed for forgiveness. I prayed in my maddness there is understanding and I prayed for protection.
There is no doubt in the last year I feel like I have been in a war. Its hard and I really am not that good at fighting it. pretty much, I suck at it.
Anyway, I prayed.
I felt how often I, we, must grieve Him.
How much we grieve Him with our selfishness, our pettiness, our arguments.
I thought how heartbroken He must be when we, in our own flesh, rip apart the very ones we hold dear to our souls.
I wondered how grieved He must be when parents make choices that cause their children such unnecessary pain simply because they are selfish instead of selfless.
I thought how much He must be grieved when couples argue over nothing at all or leave because they believe there is something much better than God's best.
I thought How He must be grieved by the evil that is taking captive His very own.
Then I thought How much He must be grieved by me.
I realized that I must be a disappointment not only to my family at times but to Him. How often do I model something that resembles something far from His character and light.
You never really know until you see yourself through someone else's eyes. I am not so sure that is a mirror I want to look into just yet.