Saturday, January 20, 2007

random therapy

I have not felt the need to blog in a while.
Today, I feel drawn here for some reason. I think when I feel like purging a bit, I sit here.

I have learned that this is the only time I care to blog. I have realized that this blog is less about sharing with those who will read and more about a form of therapy for myself.
It is a therapy that really doesn't resolve anything but it is a form of therapy and one that is cheaper than many other forms out there.

There are two things that make me crazy.
There are two situations that rise up a form of anger in me that can't really be articulated in an appropriate manner.
I don't communicate well, when confronted with them but, I rage over them with great perfection. I throw daggers, blow smoke and create intense drama whenever the scenerios cross my path.
My emotions are such that I feel like I am in a flood, treading fiercely to survive my own natural disaster.

As I stared at the ceiling last night listening to music I longed for that still small voice. I prayed for forgiveness. I prayed in my maddness there is understanding and I prayed for protection.
There is no doubt in the last year I feel like I have been in a war. Its hard and I really am not that good at fighting it. pretty much, I suck at it.

Anyway, I prayed.
I felt how often I, we, must grieve Him.
How much we grieve Him with our selfishness, our pettiness, our arguments.
I thought how heartbroken He must be when we, in our own flesh, rip apart the very ones we hold dear to our souls.
I wondered how grieved He must be when parents make choices that cause their children such unnecessary pain simply because they are selfish instead of selfless.
I thought how much He must be grieved when couples argue over nothing at all or leave because they believe there is something much better than God's best.
I thought How He must be grieved by the evil that is taking captive His very own.

Then I thought How much He must be grieved by me.

I realized that I must be a disappointment not only to my family at times but to Him. How often do I model something that resembles something far from His character and light.
You never really know until you see yourself through someone else's eyes. I am not so sure that is a mirror I want to look into just yet.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

I like this one

Last night Lee and I were up late. We were just being silly. Laughing and having a good time. We were up till midnight. For us to be up this late is highly unusual. Today, I came across this quote and it reminded me of us.

"Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly."

A quote by Rose Franken.

Monday, June 05, 2006

The complex of the proverbs 31 chick

"A good woman is hard to find, and worth far more than diamonds." Her husband trust her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it."

"Her children respect and bless her; her husband joins in with words of praise; Many women have done wonderful things, but you've outclassed them all!"

I am not a perfect woman. I don't think I will ever be a perfect wife and mother. I read proverbs 31 sometimes, to remind me of what I should strive to be. When you read it you just can't help but shake your head. I am reminded of how far from this woman I really am.

Proverbs 31 is what I would hope to be for my family. Being realistic, I can only hope to reflect a small portion of what is described of her.

I think all wives and mothers want that to some degree.

For me, I want to have outclassed them all in the eyes of my husband and my children.
My insecurity breathes life into the fear that I won't even come close to that for them.

Lets call it the proverbs 31 complex.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

A little childs prayer

The other night my little boy got ready to go to bed. As he prepared to go to sleep he remembered he needed to pray.

His prayer went something like this.

"Dear Jesus, thank you for our many blessings. Please tell us about the people who need help. tell us who they are and we will find them and help them."

You got to love a prayer like that.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

a rough week

I now sit here back at home while my parents are still in a hospital several hundred miles away. My dad is doing pretty good. He had bypass surgery. The road to recovery will be long. It will be hard. His life will completely have to change. I hope he truly understands this and draws the strength to change it.

I am not sure if I can articulate the journey that began more than a week ago. It was a journey I have known for a long time would come in one way or another. I have worried many nights that a call would come with news, news that my father had either had a heart attack or a stroke. His habits were one that would pave that road for him.

My dad entered the hospital 10 days ago. His body filled with fluid, his ability to breath labored. We journeyed from one hospital to another. News that a heart Catherization must be done.
When my mom told me this I knew we must travel back home. My mind began to turn. I hoped that problems would be resolved with this procedure but in my heart I knew it would not. I have seen the damage my dad has done to his body. I know it won't be this easy.

What I suspected proved true. 5 arteries blocked ,bypass needed. In my mind, I am going through what may or may not happen. What will I do if this situation does not turn out positive. What steps will I need to take. I poured all of my energy in trying to hold myself together. My mom needed that. My dad needed that. With that, my energy for anyone else had become blank. Focus was disappearing and confusion was setting in. I went through the motions. I would not have done that much had it not been for prayer.

It was a learning experience for both myself and my husband. It has been a difficult road.
I learned , we learned.
As people we spend a lot of time on things that really don't matter. We get uptight, complain, and worry about things. Things that have no importance. Things that ultimately just bring more reason to get uptight, worry and complain. We lose sight of what is important and we drain others because of it.
I learned that how you handle stress is a sign of true character. I learned that life is fleeting and control is an illusion. I learned that some of the decisions made in the past by Lee and myself may not make sense to others but they are the right decisions. I learned the past effects us all and it can only be changed when it is recognized. I learned that sometimes you can be two different people. The people you are when you return back home isn't always the people you are when you are home.

I learned God is in charge. Prayer is powerful and trust is hard.

I learned its time to move my parents closer. Its time for them to have change. It is time for them to leave the past. It is time for a new beginning.

He can make all things new.

I sit here now still a little confused. speaking in sentences that may not make sense. purging emotions knowing more will come. I pray that as my dad prepares for recovery, he sees the miracle he is. When it looked like me may be taken away, he was given another chance. There is purpose for his life. I pray he takes the opportunity to honor God with it.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

urgent prayer request!

Please be in prayer for my family. my dad has been in the hospital since monday. had trouble breathing. he has some fluid around his heart and lungs. he was scheduled for a heart cath this morning. they were unable to put stints in today. he will have to have bypass sugery. they need to resolve the fluid problem in order to test his lung capacity. Depending on how strong his lungs are will determine whether he can withstand the surgery. he will have to have 5 arteries worked on. If his lung capacity is not good then they may have to go back in by heart cath and attempt to do stints.

Please pray for his health and pray for my mom. Ask for her to be at peace. She is tired and worried. We are in great need for prayer.


Monday, April 17, 2006

God or the Girl

I recently started watching a show on A&E called God or the Girl. The show deals with young men who are seeking out direction and God's will for their life and future.
The decision that must be made? Marry the church or marry a girl. Yes, the show zones in the life of young adult men, young Catholic men, who are desparately seeking to discern whether they are to serve God through the priesthood.
It is an interesting show.

I think I am hooked on yet another reality television show.